Versus: Dalek Vs Borg

You know it's better than that shite 'Alien Vs Predator'

It is the showdown of the bank holiday weekend as the humble, but resolutely British ‘ribbed for extra pleasure’ terror of Saturday evening family entertainment goes up against the, so American it’s basically a weak metaphor for communism…

Yes, it is Dalek Vs Borg.

Round One.

The Dalek and The Borg square up to one another as they start to ‘trash talk’.

Dalek: Exterminate Exterminate!

Borg: We are Borg. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Dalek: Exterminate Exterminate!

Winner: In trash talk terms they score big. It’s cold, it’s calculated, it’s without emotion; it doesn’t sound like they are a somewhat hysterical housewife from Kent. It’s The Borg.

Pwhoar, check out the nodes on that!

Round Two.

First, blood as the two go for some metal on leather contact.

The Borg attempts to stick his nano technology ‘prongs’ into the Dalek but it just can’t seem to get through The Dalek’s new fangled shield.

The Dalek however goes for a more simple ‘eye poke’ with his shooter. The Borg, expecting an energy gun attack is complete unprepared and, ‘Ouch’ there goes the eye. Fortunately, for The Borg, that was the spare eye and not the flashy red one.

Winner: Eye poking its way to success – The Dalek.

Daleks love to play 'hide and seek'

Round Three.

The style judges are seated either side of the catwalk, high on Bollinger and a misplaced sense of their own importance as The Borg begins it’s measured yet deliberate stride.

The Borg is all stylish, tight leather and exposed wires, displaying both an honest future chic, with a knowing nod to late 80’s fetishism.

It is no iPod, but The Borg would certainly be terrifying as a first date.

Next up is the Dalek, less Cenobite, more ‘posh’ salt grinder.

The Dalek trundles purposely down the catwalk. Its heavy-duty battle armour shining magnificently under the hot fashion show lights. An unmistakable menacing air, tinged with nostalgia but undercut by a feel of ‘knocked together in a garden shed with balsa wood, tin foil and double sided sticky tape’.

Winner: After much debate the judges declare it a tie.

The Borgs are back in town, The Borgs are back in town

Final Round - Round Four

The practical round.

Both contestants stand impassively. The Borg, emotionless whilst the Dalek fumes to itself silently.

The practical test is wheeled in under a dust sheet cover… the cover is raised… and…

It is a major blow for The Borg; the practical test is to unblock a sink.

But good for The Borg, it’s going to give it a go. It sidles up to the sink, scans the aluminium drainer down to the plughole; it’s detected the problem. Searching its group collective in a nano-second – and to its emotionless horror. The Borg have never assimilated a plumber - due to the prohibitive call out fees.

Despite being a cybernetically linked super intelligent race, The Borg are squarely buggered in the face of a blocked sink.

The Borg steps back as the Dalek pushes forward. Out comes the extendable plunger, a beautiful downward motion into the plughole and suck.

Quick as a flash, out pops a ball of hair, half a cup of boiled rice that should have been thrown in the bin, not flushed down the sink, and one of the judges Timex Digital Watches.

Textbook.

The Winner of round four and of this very exciting 'Versus' is…

THE DALEK