Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dalek and Borg 15

Dalek and Borg before

Whatever happened to Dalek?

The Sun - Dalek cover
'News is always more trivial in the Sun'

With every rocket into the stratosphere is an inevitable fall back to earth and that is exactly the course that the star of both ‘Dalek and Borg’ the popular blogstrip and ‘Dr Who’ BBC’s flagship historical drama is set on.

Dalek first came to the public attention with an appearance in the second series of Channel 4’s smash hit reality game show ‘Big Brother’. Eventually winning in a dramatic finale which saw Dalek initially come second to a multi-sexual legal secretary, and then default to the winning position once Lindsey Hannity (25) from Brighton, East Sussex had been ‘EXTERMINATED’

It was not long after this that he secured the converted role of ‘super villain’ in the BBC’s re-imagining of Dr Who.

Heavily criticised in the press for the decision to cast a non-actor ex-reality TV star in such a prestigious role, the BBC justified the choice by claiming it was certainly better than sticking some has-been ex-pop tart in the part.

Dr Who went on to become a massive ratings grabber and Dalek was immediately propelled into the spotlight, a position Dalek readily accepted.

Good borg keeping
Borg - y'know, working, nothing serious, but working

However, it was never enough for Dalek, who mistakenly took the public attention for granted. A mistake he painfully came to realise when he was booed off stage at LIVE: 8 by a furious crowd who disapproved of both his suggestion of simply ‘EXTERMINATING’ the poor to solve the problem, and his refusal to similarly ‘EXTERMINATE’ popular ‘self-obsessed’ cat strangler, Dido.

During the now infamous post concert press conference, Dalek justified his decision to leave Dido alive, whilst happily ‘EXTERMINATING’ Bono, Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton, Coldplay and Robbie Williams,

“I am Dido’s biggest fan” he said, “All the most evil, twisted and criminally insane super-villains rate Dido. Although Coldplay does come a close second, but you have to draw a line somewhere”

dalek and smash3
The infamous 'couple' at London Premier in January

The following question was regarding the alleged affair between Dalek and faded TV advert star Smash Robot. Dalek became incensed at the suggestion that this was anything other than a close personal friendship, and began to ‘EXTERMINATE’ the amassed crowd of reports in his signature fashion.

Sacked by the bosses at BBC 1 for repeatedly appearing in the tabloid newspapers, drunk, violent and often rusty, Dalek found a new home as one half of the comedy double act, ‘Dalek and Borg’.

Successfully running for a number of months, it appeared all Dalek’s personal problems were behind him. That was until he had a expletive laden melt down live on air during a special appearance in the satirical talking point piece 'Your Mate Dave’.

your mate dalek MELTDOWN
NOT your mate Dalek, frankly.

Although Dalek’s exact whereabouts are currently unknown, there are rumours that Dalek and Borg are back together and are soon to relaunch the act in a new version of popular strip. Whether this ever sees the light of day, only time will tell.

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New adventures of Dalek and Borg 1New adventures of Dalek and Borg 2

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WE LOVE EACH OTHER - Dalek and Borg

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 18/06/05

we love each other 180605 D&B1
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Finally, a truly unpretentious couple

Dalek & Borg

Dalek I first met Borg at a mixer for Sci-Fi super villains; Borg is all about, biological and technological assimilation, even first thing in the morning when I’m still half-asleep. I sometimes get a bit sick of the Hive Mind, but as Borg is always reminding me, you can’t choose your family. Borg was originally human, but I can see past that.

Borg Naturally, Dalek’s staccato voice first attracted me. The plunger was the clincher; it has all manner of uses. We never discuss politics or universal domination, we prefer to spend our time going for long walks in post-apocalyptic wastelands or watching the pointless slaughter of an entire species. Dalek has the hottest exhaust I have ever seen.Craig Taylor

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Dalek and Borg PENCIL1
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Versus: Dalek Vs Borg

dalek vs borg
You know it's better than that shite 'Alien Vs Predator'

It is the showdown of the bank holiday weekend as the humble, but resolutely British ‘ribbed for extra pleasure’ terror of Saturday evening family entertainment goes up against the, so American it’s basically a weak metaphor for communism…

Yes, it is Dalek Vs Borg.

Round One.

The Dalek and The Borg square up to one another as they start to ‘trash talk’.

Dalek: Exterminate Exterminate!

Borg: We are Borg. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Dalek: Exterminate Exterminate!

Winner: In trash talk terms they score big. It’s cold, it’s calculated, it’s without emotion; it doesn’t sound like they are a somewhat hysterical housewife from Kent. It’s The Borg.

lady borg
Pwhoar, check out the nodes on that!

Round Two.

First, blood as the two go for some metal on leather contact.

The Borg attempts to stick his nano technology ‘prongs’ into the Dalek but it just can’t seem to get through The Dalek’s new fangled shield.

The Dalek however goes for a more simple ‘eye poke’ with his shooter. The Borg, expecting an energy gun attack is complete unprepared and, ‘Ouch’ there goes the eye. Fortunately, for The Borg, that was the spare eye and not the flashy red one.

Winner: Eye poking its way to success – The Dalek.

Dalek hide and seek
Daleks love to play 'hide and seek'

Round Three.

The style judges are seated either side of the catwalk, high on Bollinger and a misplaced sense of their own importance as The Borg begins it’s measured yet deliberate stride.

The Borg is all stylish, tight leather and exposed wires, displaying both an honest future chic, with a knowing nod to late 80’s fetishism.

It is no iPod, but The Borg would certainly be terrifying as a first date.

Next up is the Dalek, less Cenobite, more ‘posh’ salt grinder.

The Dalek trundles purposely down the catwalk. Its heavy-duty battle armour shining magnificently under the hot fashion show lights. An unmistakable menacing air, tinged with nostalgia but undercut by a feel of ‘knocked together in a garden shed with balsa wood, tin foil and double sided sticky tape’.

Winner: After much debate the judges declare it a tie.

The Geeks
The Borgs are back in town, The Borgs are back in town

Final Round - Round Four

The practical round.

Both contestants stand impassively. The Borg, emotionless whilst the Dalek fumes to itself silently.

The practical test is wheeled in under a dust sheet cover… the cover is raised… and…

It is a major blow for The Borg; the practical test is to unblock a sink.

But good for The Borg, it’s going to give it a go. It sidles up to the sink, scans the aluminium drainer down to the plughole; it’s detected the problem. Searching its group collective in a nano-second – and to its emotionless horror. The Borg have never assimilated a plumber - due to the prohibitive call out fees.

Despite being a cybernetically linked super intelligent race, The Borg are squarely buggered in the face of a blocked sink.

The Borg steps back as the Dalek pushes forward. Out comes the extendable plunger, a beautiful downward motion into the plughole and suck.

Quick as a flash, out pops a ball of hair, half a cup of boiled rice that should have been thrown in the bin, not flushed down the sink, and one of the judges Timex Digital Watches.


The Winner of round four and of this very exciting 'Versus' is…


dalek porn